Joke #1

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!"

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.

"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"

Joke #2

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

Joke #3

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

Joke #4

I’m going to the casino tonight. I hope I break even. I need the money.

Joke #5

Last night I got thrown out of the casino. I completely misunderstood the crap table.

Joke #6

As I walked in the casino, I passed some Siamese twins on their way out. I said, “Did you win?”
They said, “Yes and no.”

Joke #7

Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell Bingo!

Joke #8

A man walks into a casino, and at the entrance there was a Labrador Retriever playing poker. Curious, he went to check out the play action. Sure enough the dog was playing, and seemingly making good hands. After three rounds, the man said, “I can’t believe that this dog can play, he must be the smartest dog in the world!"  The owner replied, “ I’d like to take credit for this, but my dog, he isn't that smart, he doesn’t know how to bluff, every time he gets a good hand, he just sits there and howls."

Joke #9

A blonde went to Atlantic City, looking to play the slots. She loved slots, and had been waiting a long time for a trip out to a casino to really play. She made it to all the casinos looking for the best place to play. Finally she found a place, and picked a machine she thought was lucky for wins. She was throwing dollars upon dollars into the machine, and sure enough she was getting back coins. Finally the manager of the casino came up to the woman, and asked her politely if she could just leave the change machine alone.